Am I alone?

am i the only one who worries endlessly that something terrible is going to happen to their child? i mean really...i must worry about this at least once a day. it started the minute i found out i was pg. the entire pregnancy i worried that jett would die. mike and i even discussed what we would and would not do if he was born before 30 wks. when i was in labor, he began having a slow heart rate with contractions, he had to be vacuumed out of me. when he came out, there was silence...i thought to myself..."i knew it, i knew he wouldn't make it out alive". how messed up is that? does everyone feel this way?

jett is a terrible sleeper, i mean really, super terrible. he sleeps with us and wakes up frequently. i said before, i will not let him cry himself to sleep. so, i deal with these wake ups. usually he goes to bed about 1900 or close to it. he finally will sleep a couple of hours before his first wake up. the last week or so, he has been waking up sooner and more frequently. he has been sick so i imagine that is the cause. it could also be teething, he doesn't deal well with that. tonight though, he went to sleep at 1900 and it is now 2216 and we haven't heard a peep out of him. so naturally, i am worried. i go check on him and have to lay my hand on him to make sure he is breathing. he is. is this a strange thing to think about? how do mothers put their babies to bed and then go sleep in another room without a care? will i be checking on him until he moves away? and then what? frequent calls to his home throughout the night? this is nuts! he has a bed, in a room that is his but do i put him in it? nope, too damn scared. am i alone?

Infertility

last night i was walking with a friend of mine and she asked me what was the hardest part of infertility. wow! first off, kudos to her for asking. too many people either aren't interested because it doesn't affect them or they are afraid to ask. i found myself rambling on and on about it because quite frankly, it's all bad. i couldn't even find words to explain the scars infertility left on my soul. i guess if i had to use one word to describe the worst, it would be...desperation. it's like drowning in a sea of despair and searching desperately for a lifeline. i lost my dad a few years ago after a long battle with colon cancer. it was horrifying, yet in alot of ways, dealing with infertility was much much harder. at least with my dad, i knew him, loved him and spent time with him. he is part of who i have become, i am part of him. i will always have memories, he touched my soul. wanting a baby, and not being able to accomplish the basic human function of procreating touches your soul in a very different way, a very dark way. you feel incomplete, sub-par. to make matters worse, some fertiles wear their fertility on their shirt like a badge. they belong to a club that you cannot join without a child. even the mention of other people pregnancies is like a knife in your heart. you can't go anywhere without seeing pregnant people or little babies and it is so far out of reach that even with all the money in the world, some may never get that far.

i spent many, many days in bed with the covers over my head sobbing and wondering if i would ever have a child to hold, wondering if i would survive but not really caring if i did. those were by far my darkest days. i felt so alone in those times. no one could possibly understand the loneliness and isolation of an infertile. in those times i can remember begging mike to find more money for another cycle and tirelessly searching the internet for answers. it was so rejuvenating to come up with another plan, or get another loan. there were times i was sure i would sell my soul for one more try.

i came across this http://www.vocalicious.com/empty_arms/empty_arms_mod.html one day while visiting ivfconnections, an online support group for infertiles. i sat watching it over and over sobbing uncontrollably and thinking "yes, yes, this is it" . i emailed it to some friends and family and was surprised to note that most still didn't get it. i realized then that they just can't, it is just not something that a fertile can get and that is why it is so isolating.

i remember when a friend of mine conceived after a five year battle with infertility, i felt happy for her but left behind. she hugged me and said, "i understand, i am here for you". i cried with her that day and felt secure with her. she knew what i was going through. you see, when an infertile becomes pregnant, there is a guilt in leaving other in the trenches, you know that it is extremely painful to those who are still waiting for their turn. her baby was born on a tuesday, mike called and told me. i stood there at the sink and cried again. when would it be my turn? the next day i went and saw the baby, she was perfect. i sat with the mom, holding her precious babe and wept and i knew that behind all of her joy, she just got it.

at the time, i had no way of knowing that my turn was just one short month away. i was going to a new clinic in april for my third cycle of ivf. the clinic was in las vegas, the gambling capital of america, how ironic is that? my mom and her husband took me up there for the first part of the week and mike would be joining me at the end of the week. when we pulled up to the hotel, i broke down in the parking lot, already knowing that this cycle would be a bust as well. i went through all of the motions and injected myself countless times all the while knowing that it was all for nothing. to my surprise, a week after i returned, i got the call from the clinic....it was a success...sort of. my beta was very low and dr fisch told me not to be too optimistic. so again, i found myself deep under my covers, waiting for it all to end. amazingly, my beta increased the next two times and it appeared that i was in fact pregnant. i knew all to well though that a pregnancy did not equal a live, take home baby. i was overjoyed but overcome by fear as well. i did however, get that long awaited prize...a live, take home baby. every night since jett joined our family, i crawl into bed and touch the head of my beautiful boy and thank God that i was persistent and that He gave me the blessing that i had been longing for.

so what is the hardest part of infertility? i still don't really know but what i do know is this; i was blessed beyond my wildest dreams. i couldn't have imagined how jett would touch my soul, i am amazed and awed by him daily. he was well worth the wait and i would do it all over again a thousand times to be where i am today. i have joined that club and it feels good. the scars will fade with time but they will never go away and i am ok with that because they are part of who i am. infertility changed me. it changed me in ways i didn't know i wanted to change. it gave me strength that i couldn't have gotten elsewhere. i'm proud of what we went through, proud that we stuck it out and became stronger. i'm eternally grateful to mike, my family, my drs but mostly to God. grateful that he gave me this wonderful creature to love, to laugh with and to watch grow into a man that i can be proud of.

Little Boys

when i was young, i always played with dolls. i always had one baby, a girl, and no husband. when i got older, i really never wanted kids and doubted i would ever marry. i always wanted to carry a baby and birth it but had no interest whatsoever in raising it. then i met mike. i did get married much to my surprise and even dreamt of having a baby of my own. little did i know i would have to go to hell and back to have one but that is another story. when i finally did become pg, i knew that because of my patience (what else could i do but wait?) God would reward me with my precious girl. it couldn't be any other way, four generations of girls...my grandmother, mother, myself and my wonderful daughter who would be my best friend forever. we would be a perfect foursome that would lunch and shop together. but when i went in for my ultrasound, what did i see?? a penis on my precious baby! we hadn't even discussed boy names ever. but you know what? i fell so in love with my baby boy that very second and knew right then and there that God did bless me. more than i could have imagined. i was made to be a mother to a son. i even love to look at bugs now through his little exploring eyes and can't wait to buy him a bug barn to collect them. isn't God a clever one? and we do have a perfect foursome. i have never seen my mother or grandmother so in love with someone as they are with jett, it makes my heart sing.

today i spent the day with some friends of mine who both have sons around the age of jett. it is truly amazing to watch your child interact with others their age. they were perfectly happy to wander around the wooded terrain and pick up everything that caught their fancy. at one point jett was eating chips and picked up a crunchy leaf and ate that as well. they were captivated by some rain water that had collected in a fishing boat. sure there were girls there too but boys, well they're just different. i love how jett loves the sound of a big truck and makes a truck sound whenever he sees one. they all stared in quiet awe when the water truck came to fill the tank. if they were older, they would probably all have wished to become truckers when they grew up. there is just something really special about being a mom to a boy.

STOP SCREAMING!

i'm loud. i talk loud, laugh loud, think out loud....heck my hair is even loud, in a hair kinda way (loud hair=big hair). why then am i surprised that jett is loud? whenever he screams i wonder, "why is he doing that?". it's not an unhappy scream, just wanting to be heard by everyone in earshot and everyone not in earshot. for example; i went to lunch with a friend today who also has a little son who is a few months younger than jett. jett had to engage everyone near him and literally scream to my friend's son who was RIGHT next to him. they were thisclosetoeachother. i'm wondering if he was screaming because this boy wouldn't talk back to him. he just sat there and looked at him, no doubt thinking, "why are you screaming at me? i'm right next to you.". friend's son was quiet and happy, eating his green beans. fortunately, we missed the lunch crowd so there weren't too many people to be annoyed with my loud son.

another thing he does is when there is a closed door in the house and he knows someone is behind it, he goes up to it and yells something like this....."A YAAAAAA!" it's very relaxing to the person on the other side of the door who may be resting, trying to get away from this loud boy. also very nice when one is trying to use the bathroom in peace. our cat definitely enjoys being yelled at as well....nothing quite like taking a cat nap and having a human come up right into your face and scream at you, not to mention pulling your tail. guess that's why cat hangs out mostly outside although he has to be careful where because jett will find him lying next to the house under a window and...you guessed it, scream KIT TY!

before i had jett, every kid that i ever encountered who was screaming would make me cringe. i have even been known to shoot dirty looks at the poor mothers wondering why they wouldn't shut their kid up. maybe that's why i have a very loud child??? i don't believe in karma but maybe i should. i'm not talking about unhappy screams here, just the excited "talking" screaming just to be heard screams. so for anyone who is childless or has a quiet child, please know that sometimes you cannot make someone be quiet. i still am annoyed by parents who let their children cry and scream while the parent is blissfully shopping completely deaf to it all. i refuse to do that, it even bugs me when jett screams in protest. still working on that one. it's a good thing he's cute. he doesn't look loud does he?

Baby fat

not his....mine. all mine. all 30 luscious lbs of post baby fat. it's starting to sound silly even to me when i say, "oh, this weight? i just had a baby". yeah like 15 months ago. the truth is, i have tried many, many times to shed this weight but guess what? having a velcro baby does not easily allow one to exercise. obviously i won't take him to the gym daycare, kinda gross if you ask me. so let's see.....stroller, hmmmm, well turns out he doesn't like to be in the stroller. the exception is like three or four times that he enjoyed himself but i couldn't seem to enjoy myself because i was just waiting for the crying to begin. backpack you say? doesn't always like that either and it really hurts my back and causes a headache that lasts for 3 or 4 days. the one thing that he does like is my aisan style carrier which we conveniently left on the airplane during our trip to hawaii. i have ordered another but the problem with it is that i cannot put him on my back alone and he is too heavy to carry in the front so i have to have someone go with me for all walks which isn't always easy.

so am i doomed to carry this extra weight until my son goes to school? um, i don't think so. i am working things out with mike and my mom so i can have an hour or so a day to do whatever kind of exercise floats my boat. now it's truly up to me. we are going on a cruise in october and i would really like to strut around in my bathing suit rather that sit in my windowless room ordering room service while jett and mike enjoy the sunshine. i'll keep you posted.

No crying here

so, i guess i'll start with the cry it out (cio) issue. we don't, won't and never will let our son cry himself to sleep. to put it simply, i think it's mean. it's fine if people want to do it but please don't tell me i should. i bet you are asking, "does that precious little angel sleep through the night?".....um, nope not even close. i am quite certain that he will eventually and when he does, we will rejoice. he is getting better and i finally have a few blissful hours to myself in the evening because mike has taken over the putting to bed business. it works great! we do bathtime and then read several books and then he gets a bottle of milk and happily drinks it with daddy beside him and goes to sleep. this is a HUGE step towards normal for us. it took about two weeks for him to adjust...he used to cry and cling to me when the last book was read but then one night it just stopped. i cried. tears of joy and pride for my little boy and his daddy. why am i proud? because he can go to sleep and remain that way for a couple of hours and he never once cried himself to sleep wondering why his mama wouldn't come for him.

for the entire first year of his life i did ALL of the nighttime parenting (my choice) funny thing, for the first year, i would nurse him to sleep on my lap while i was on the computer and then transfer him to his "throne", a down pillow placed on his carseat and then eventually to his co-sleeper that sat between mike and i when he got bigger. we literally had to tiptoe and whisper so he would not wake up. i was terrified that he would die of sids so i HAD to keep him where i could see him. that's why we ended up co-sleeping. we did try everything we could think of to get him to sleep better but from the start he was a horrible sleeper, waking frequently and unable to return to sleep without nursing. no-one other than me could put him to sleep for several months.

so, as much as i love co-sleeping on the good nights, i am ready for him to move to his own bed. we finally got him one and took down the crib that was not used one time but i have yet to make the move. it's a bittersweet thing. i want him to sleep in his own bed so i can sleep better and so he can have his space but will miss the sweet things. having a snugly little fella next to you definitely is sweet. and no, he won't be crying himself to sleep in his new bed.

now back to the cio issue. i have done a ton of online reading about this and have come to the realization that our culture is one of the few that do not participate in the family bed. in other cultures it is natural to take your child to bed and nurse throughout the night. i believe that we have pushed our babies away from us in so many ways in order to make life as a parent easier. i once read a quote somewhere that said, "as a parent you are raising a child not managing an inconvenience". i love that quote. my job as jett's mom is to parent him 24 hours a day. that means helping him through the night lovingly, parenting him through the day and when i cannot be with him, finding an acceptable replacement which for us is grandparents. it just doesn't seem right to say that it's time for bed, get to sleep however you can and i will be there for you in the morning. i expected some inconveniences when i became a parent and yes, night time is tiring but it feels right to meet his needs. but like i said, i will certainly rejoice when he makes it through the night.

My first blog

I have decided to start a blog chronically our life with Jett. I'm not clever or witty but I do have the cutest kid ever! Now hang with me while i figure this out....