Infertility

last night i was walking with a friend of mine and she asked me what was the hardest part of infertility. wow! first off, kudos to her for asking. too many people either aren't interested because it doesn't affect them or they are afraid to ask. i found myself rambling on and on about it because quite frankly, it's all bad. i couldn't even find words to explain the scars infertility left on my soul. i guess if i had to use one word to describe the worst, it would be...desperation. it's like drowning in a sea of despair and searching desperately for a lifeline. i lost my dad a few years ago after a long battle with colon cancer. it was horrifying, yet in alot of ways, dealing with infertility was much much harder. at least with my dad, i knew him, loved him and spent time with him. he is part of who i have become, i am part of him. i will always have memories, he touched my soul. wanting a baby, and not being able to accomplish the basic human function of procreating touches your soul in a very different way, a very dark way. you feel incomplete, sub-par. to make matters worse, some fertiles wear their fertility on their shirt like a badge. they belong to a club that you cannot join without a child. even the mention of other people pregnancies is like a knife in your heart. you can't go anywhere without seeing pregnant people or little babies and it is so far out of reach that even with all the money in the world, some may never get that far.

i spent many, many days in bed with the covers over my head sobbing and wondering if i would ever have a child to hold, wondering if i would survive but not really caring if i did. those were by far my darkest days. i felt so alone in those times. no one could possibly understand the loneliness and isolation of an infertile. in those times i can remember begging mike to find more money for another cycle and tirelessly searching the internet for answers. it was so rejuvenating to come up with another plan, or get another loan. there were times i was sure i would sell my soul for one more try.

i came across this http://www.vocalicious.com/empty_arms/empty_arms_mod.html one day while visiting ivfconnections, an online support group for infertiles. i sat watching it over and over sobbing uncontrollably and thinking "yes, yes, this is it" . i emailed it to some friends and family and was surprised to note that most still didn't get it. i realized then that they just can't, it is just not something that a fertile can get and that is why it is so isolating.

i remember when a friend of mine conceived after a five year battle with infertility, i felt happy for her but left behind. she hugged me and said, "i understand, i am here for you". i cried with her that day and felt secure with her. she knew what i was going through. you see, when an infertile becomes pregnant, there is a guilt in leaving other in the trenches, you know that it is extremely painful to those who are still waiting for their turn. her baby was born on a tuesday, mike called and told me. i stood there at the sink and cried again. when would it be my turn? the next day i went and saw the baby, she was perfect. i sat with the mom, holding her precious babe and wept and i knew that behind all of her joy, she just got it.

at the time, i had no way of knowing that my turn was just one short month away. i was going to a new clinic in april for my third cycle of ivf. the clinic was in las vegas, the gambling capital of america, how ironic is that? my mom and her husband took me up there for the first part of the week and mike would be joining me at the end of the week. when we pulled up to the hotel, i broke down in the parking lot, already knowing that this cycle would be a bust as well. i went through all of the motions and injected myself countless times all the while knowing that it was all for nothing. to my surprise, a week after i returned, i got the call from the clinic....it was a success...sort of. my beta was very low and dr fisch told me not to be too optimistic. so again, i found myself deep under my covers, waiting for it all to end. amazingly, my beta increased the next two times and it appeared that i was in fact pregnant. i knew all to well though that a pregnancy did not equal a live, take home baby. i was overjoyed but overcome by fear as well. i did however, get that long awaited prize...a live, take home baby. every night since jett joined our family, i crawl into bed and touch the head of my beautiful boy and thank God that i was persistent and that He gave me the blessing that i had been longing for.

so what is the hardest part of infertility? i still don't really know but what i do know is this; i was blessed beyond my wildest dreams. i couldn't have imagined how jett would touch my soul, i am amazed and awed by him daily. he was well worth the wait and i would do it all over again a thousand times to be where i am today. i have joined that club and it feels good. the scars will fade with time but they will never go away and i am ok with that because they are part of who i am. infertility changed me. it changed me in ways i didn't know i wanted to change. it gave me strength that i couldn't have gotten elsewhere. i'm proud of what we went through, proud that we stuck it out and became stronger. i'm eternally grateful to mike, my family, my drs but mostly to God. grateful that he gave me this wonderful creature to love, to laugh with and to watch grow into a man that i can be proud of.